Humiliated and Insulted

Naye, this post is not any critical appreciation of Dostoevsky's famous novel....to be precise nowhere near the context of the novel. Then what is it?......Well it's just an expression of a personal feeling. Being a moody person, I do experience different shades of emotions, but right now what I feel is truly 'Humiliated and Insulted'. 

Don't get me wrong. Nobody has insulted or humiliated me today. I had a good night's sleep, woke up late, had my breakfast, read the newspapers for an hour, roamed around the house lazily. So a perfect start for the day, according to me. It's just when I switched on the T.V and started seeing the national news, in a few seconds, my perfect morning became a distant dream and I started feeling what is the subject of this post. 

So what was there in the news channel? Well I'm not a celebrity that any news channel would cover any silly stories about me. Honestly I'm only known to my kins, friends and perhaps my teachers. So it was no news featuring me, then why did I started feeling like this? Is my mood swings becoming vulnerable to sudden bursts of emotions and I should be on some mood stabilizers to control it? Naye. Then what???

Well the first thing I saw on the news channel was the gruesome, horrendous and disgusting to the ultimate core video of a teen age girl being molested in full public view, in front of the camera, by some 20 odd people in Guwahati. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. If the television had been on mute, I would have even dared to think it's some stupid scene from a 90's Bollywood movie, where these scenes were pretty prevalent. But no, not at all. It was happening in reality!! I don't want to explain in details what happened, but all I can say that these men (or shall I call them animals) were of different ages 20s - late 30s. They were literally smiling, laughing, making fun of the whole situation, showing their faces brazenly in front of the camera, even forcing the poor girl to show her face as they were 'enjoying' the act of robbing the girl of her modesty. It seemed as if they were pretty proud of what they were doing, such 'brave hearts' that the presence of media even did not detour them from their goal!! Forget about why the by-standers did not do anything, or the role of the police.....we are having debates on these issues for such a long time, no change so far. But to see these men doing this shameless, inhuman act on camera was enough to make my blood get cold in fear. 

The first thought that came to my mind was "What if I was the girl?", and then I thought "Thank God, I am not." Instead of feeling relieved that this has not happened with me, I was soon overcome with a sense of fear....fear of going outside my home alone at night or returning alone from work at night. And suddenly another strong emotion grabbed me....Anger, murderous rage!!! I wanted to kill these men or at least see men like them hanged!!! Forget about saying "Inke ghar pe Ma, Bahen nahi hai kya?".....I understood these people don't deserve a maternal care, a sister's warmth, a wife's love even. 

Leave these men from Guwahati. A khap panchayat from UP recently had the audacity of declaring medieval rules and regulations on their women in front of the camera. A so-called rehabilitation centre in West Bengal for the Female Handicaps, instead of providing rehabilitation, provided free pass to any man to 'use' the women inmates for their own 'lustful needs' after sunset. So is this where we have come up to? Is this the condition of the society in the 21st century? Is this how certain groups of 'men' like to treat their women - mere objects, with no rights, no feelings,and no needs??

Sometimes I wonder what happened to people like Raja Rammohan or Ishwarchandra Vidyasagar, the great champions of female rights? If you cannot fight for our rights, atleast don't play with them as if they are playthings! It's not that I have not personally met men who have always treated women respectfully, if not equally. I have and still proudly remember my school days, when if any girl in our group would be teased in the streets, all the boys in the group would literally hurl themselves on that teaser. So 'Ram' and 'Ravana' both coexist in this society. Unfortunately it seems as if that the number of 'Ravana's are more these days.

So what can we do? Should we arm ourselves with pepper spray, take self defense classes or roam around with a 'Bodyguard'? Or should we try and change our attitude? I don't want to convey my judgement here, because there are many intellectuals in the society who supposedly uphold the rules of the society...maybe they should make a call. All I can say that these questions will remain and might even keep on increasing with days, if nothing fruitful is done about it and we women will  keep on feeling in each such instances 'Humiliated and Insulted'.

"...Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my Country awake."

Psychosis unspecified Part I

It's a very hot Sunday afternoon, with nothing to do. The room feels like a furnace and I'm sweating profusely.  I can hear the buzzing sound of the generator from a distance, constantly reminding me that there is no electricity for the last 3 ½  hours and is not showing any sign of coming back any soon. I try to divert my frustrated mind towards the still fan blades, with a magical thinking that if I stare at the fan blades long and hard enough, it might just start moving. And so I keep on looking intensely like a pseudo Neo or Zedi knight, hoping to make them move. Just as I give up and curse loudly, announcing my sense of disbelief, the fan blades start moving gradually with a screeching noise, indicating the 'Magic' (!) has indeed worked and the electricity has finally come back. As I silently thank the 'Force' for this magic, I cannot but help myself predict that the electricity will eventually go away again in sometime during the day. This coming and going of electricity has now become a regular affair in our lives for the past 2 years. Yet whenever it occurs, I react in the same way, with the same intensity as I had done the first time, 2 years back. And this thought suddenly takes me on a ride back to the past and a recap of all the happenings in past 2 years starts projecting inside my brain, revoking some strong and some not so strong memories. But if I have to put down in words, then the real story began much earlier,  about 3 years during my Masters final year. Surprisingly till Masters, I had almost chalked out my future plans - of what I am going to do next, where I am going to be. And maintaining the same, I had already planned by the final days of my PG days that I'm going to do M. Phil from Central Institute of Psychiatry, Kanke, Ranchi. Ok so why CIP, as this place is popularly known, why not from C.U. itself?? Aye, if I need to explain the 'why', then I will have to be little circumstantial,  but I promise sincerely that I'd come back to the main point.

It all started with my first visit to Ranchi in February, 2009. It was an academic trip organized by our Applied Psychology department for training in clinical related issues. At first, we were supposed to go to CIP for a week training, but as they were having some exams, or that's what we were told, they could not arrange for all of our accommodation, so we ended up in having our training from RINPAS - the state run psychiatric institute. Finally when the week was almost over, our teachers finally managed to get permission for visiting CIP for an hour or so. I don't really remember much about it (I've real memory problems - should apply some memory test on self once), but what I do remember is that during the two minutes auto ride from RINPAS to CIP, I could not help but appreciate the beauty of the road - the multitude of tree branches bending together as if to make an archway, the vivid greenery on both sides, the gentle Autumn breeze caressing us,......truly speaking I felt like I'm going to some kinda heaven. And as soon as our eyes fell on the green board on which in bold letters the name 'Central Institute of Psychiatry' was written, our hearts were filled with a sense of reverence, because somewhere down the line, we knew that we were standing in front of a remarkable landmark in the history of Psychiatry in our nation. And once inside, as I was walking past the wards towards the Satyanand teaching block, I knew it that yes, this is it. This is the place of dreams...my land of Utopia...this is where I wanted to be. And I had very quietly visualized myself walking down this same road, seeing patients after a year. And Aye!!! I had decided right at that moment that I'm coming for my M.Phil here!!!!

Thus started my preparation for clearing the M.Phil entrance exam here. I was so engrossed into getting here, that I did not study seriously for the C.U M.Phil entrance exam and as a result I did not qualify and hell yeah that got me into lots of shit!!! First got a huge scolding from parents, got a kick in my butt that it's not so easy and that I might be missing on other opportunities if I continue being only serious for CIP. So started an ordeal which was quite painful for me, given the kind of lazy person I am and gingerly I started weighing out the other options too, but deep down I'd pray to get in CIP. Anyways forget about how I prepared or how I gave my CIP exam coz that would be another story, but my 'salvation' came when I saw my name in the list of qualified candidates. I was ecstatic, I felt all my prayers have been answered and immediately I asked my father to cancel the tickets to Bangalore, where I had another entrance exam for NIMHANS. I was in this ecstatic mood even when I went for the interview at CIP. I explained the panel how badly I wanted to be in CIP, did not really care who were sitting, how they were reacting to my Affective psychosis or even when they were laughing. Actually where they found my answers funny or were laughing at me, I am still doubtful, but the Director was so impressed with me, or so I thought, he immediately told me after I finished my monologue, 'Welcome to CIP'. And hence began my journey, but I'd divulge in the details some other day. Till then 'Picture abhi baki hai mere dost!'.................

And there was no one left to speak out for me...

20^th Oct, 2011. India had just nailed the ODI series by a thumping win and we all were looking forward for a 5-0 whitewash. Like every other die-hard Indian Cricket supporters, 7 friends in Amboli restaurant, Mumbai too were busy celebrating the victory. They had just come out of the restaurant, when they heard a drunken man passing lewd comments about the girls in the group. The boys confronted him, protested, slapped him and sent him away. After 15 minutes the drunken man was back with more men who were armed with sickles, knives, stumps and other weapons and attacked the group. 2 of the boys, Keenan and Reuben were badly stabbed, while another boy Avinash was injured. The girls were screaming for help – there were hundreds of by-standers, 2 shops, and one posh restaurant, where they often visited and it was happening on one of the busiest streets of Mumbai, not a secluded place. Yet, not a single hand came to their rescue. While hundreds of eyes witnessed this happen, but all of them preferred to be mute spectators. Both Keenan and Reuben succumbed to their injuries, while the rest were subjected to bear the scar of disbelief and distrust about their own kind. To summarize it, 2 young, precious lives were lost out to brutality, just because they chose to stand up and protest.

Shocked? Disgusted? Shaken? Whatever may be your reaction, let’s not act that surprised!! I mean very often we have read in the newspaper how someone was dying of some illness or due to some accidents in the streets, but nobody came to the rescue……even people preferred to pass by without giving a second glance and finally when our very ‘own’ police arrived, it was all over. For a few days, there would be debates carried on news channels about the apathy of  the people in general…..some politicians would inevitably there, to do the honors. Some politicians would be blaming the government, some the opposition party and it will carry on. There would be few angry protest march held, netizens would vent out their anger in the virtual world, smses would be shared about these atrocities and how stupid all the politicians are, so on and so forth. Give it a month or so, or if you are more of a skeptical type, a few weeks perhaps and then everyone will ‘Move on’ with their lives, like the famous ad tag line of a commercial company and all these will become archive and gather dust.

Aye! This is the reality my friends and I daresay even I am not infallible from this vice. Even  I at times had chosen to remain mum when words were necessary. Was I afraid to speak my mind? Yes. Was I afraid to get into messy affairs? Yes. Why? Why? As a female, I can tell you this that most of us have faced eve teasing of some sorts once or more than once in our life time and most of the time, we have ignored them, or shamefully remained silent, even while getting disgusted from within.

Why? Why this fear within? Why this apathy within? One of my friends today was telling me that maybe it stems from the Jungian ‘Collective Unconscious’. I don’t know. I really don’t have the answer. I only know one thing, as incidences like these show, you may remain quiet when others are facing the consequences, saying “It’s none of my business.” What will happen when it’s your turn? Will you be able to find helping hands around you, to save you in danger, or like what you too have done - the same kind of treatment would be doled out to you?

Right now I don’t have any answer, or maybe I’ll never get the answer. Today I’m feeling strong emotions, tomorrow when I wake up, I may forget it completely, may be once or twice would be uttering few words of pity for the two lost lives and ‘move on’ with my life. But now in this passionate state I can just express my feelings by the words of German pastor Martin Niemöller, who had said this about the inactivity of German intellectuals following the Nazi rise to power in Germany, which was shared by a senior in our University.

First they came for the Jews

and I did not speak out

because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left

to speak out for me......

Writer's Block

Well I cannot claim to be a writer as such (though I would love to fantasize so).....I just write occasional blog posts (actually 'wrote'...its a thing in the past), Facebook posts...and update my status every alternate  days on Facebook.......so these can be called my only evidences of writing.

Today evening after going through my usual routine of checking my FB account...I thought of visiting my blogs and after checking through my posts and the various comments and the blogs of my friends - specially our group blog 'Straight from the Heart'.....I felt a a sudden tug in my heart...from that of the past 'Me'....the one who used to crave for artistic stimulation....the one who was spontaneous...not afraid to speak her mind.....the one who was a regular Blogger!!! I don't know what has become to her? I mean I don't see her at all!!! And Aye!!! I do miss her a lot........and I certainly do miss blogging.

Blogging for the past 'Me' was a source of Joy, an outlet to channelize thoughts....emotions.....feelings.....a creative outlet.......a way to let others see the world through her own eyes!!!! What happened to her? Why hasn't she been able to write any blog post for more than a year?? I mean it's not that she did not try..she did try once...even wrote a few lines, characterized by her so-called signature humorous, self effacing style...but could not complete the post and it remained as a saved draft in the blogger's dashboard. Is it 'Writer's Block' or something like that???

And then after lamenting over the past 'Me', I came to realize that this present 'Me' has actually lost her main characteristic....spontaneity...... Previously when thoughts would come to her mind, she would try and type them down as soon as possible....just as the way they came...never trying to decorate with too many intricate word works (thats actually due to lack of good bank of vocabulary!).....just straight from the heart...bilkul dilse!!!!

Thus whenever I would get the urge to write something...I would not do that in the pretense of organizing it into a better whole...then would give excuse that don't have the time to write...never mind the several hours I waste in checking Facebook and other social networking sites.... and the best excuse would be to blame it on my hectic days in CIP...as if I never have had any leisurely time for indulging into my hobbies!!!!

So enough of excuses... enough of lamentation..... I'm really looking forward to revive the past 'Me'.....to get back that old joy of writing....let it be silly and stupid enough....but none the less satisfying to the core......So cheers to the future :)

Scrambled thoughts....

I know that you have all heard about the term 'scrambled eggs' (it's delicious too), but don't know if you have ever tried to associate thoughts with it....aye! I don't know what am I blabbering about...coz well....my thoughts are really scrambled today!!! Ok, so why has this situation arrived??? Hmmm....because I'm leaving today for Ranchi for my M.Phil in the Central institute of Psychiatry. I had been dreaming of this for years...this is more like my dream has come true...and yet I feel so depressed!!!! I should be happy, excited.....but I'm feeling as if I'm leaving my country, my people and going to North Pole!!!! Ok maybe I'm overreacting...maybe I'm being emotionally vulnerable that's why I'm behaving like this. My dad is constantly telling me that" Beta, you have made your own decision. Now you have to bear the effects."...I understand all these philosophical notions, but somehow self doubt is creeping in within me....what if whatever decision I had taken is not good for me...will I be able to adjust to hostel life (with just 1 hour or less time of running water supply through out the day, 8.30 am classes), what about the studies??? Am I intelligent enough to understand everything...will I be a good psychologist??? My goodness!!!So many questions and I seem out of answers!!!!

Anyways, I won't keep on blabbering ...I would end now.Already I'm feeling like a bipolar patient (right now suffering from depression!!)...I might end up as a patient there!!!

Ciao and I will let everyone know how's life going on there.

'Wake Up Sid'......

Somehow I don't understand today's politics very well. I mean somehow the political science that I have had in my +10 syllabus, the concepts that we were taught...today's political concepts don't seem follow the definitions written in the books, or quoted by our teachers those days.We used to write for the definition of Government that  a government is of the people...by the people and for the people. The opposition party was there to keep a tab on the running government....how effectively they are working...criticize their faults...showcase those faults to the people and work together with the government too for the well being of the citizens.The Constitutional rights and the fundamental duties mentioned in the Directive Principles were considered as the pillars for the democracy.


But aye!!!Look at the Dance of Indian Democracy now!!!Show me a government that follows the above definition...show me an opposition party that effectively does its duty rather than just opposing each and every policies taken by the government just for the sake of it!!!Forget about rights and duties, we are not even citizens of India in the eyes of our esteemed politicians...we are mere voters...we are supposed to be shown promises of bright future...and then when the elections are over, we poor voters fade into oblivion!!!!All the fancy promises then disappear like a midsummer's night's dream!!!!Leave aside these 'trivial' matters...we can't even speak out our minds...if you criticize one party....you are branded as the supporter of the other party. A common man cannot even make a not-so-political statement, forget about making a slight political one!!!Once you dare to make one( added to that if you are also a celebrity)...you are treated as if you have done the most heinous crime and you should apologize immediately or face the dire consequences!!!If you don't believe me...just look at the number of apologies that any celebrity is supposed to make for his/her not-so-political comments,  from a Khusboo to a latest Shah Rukh Khan!!! (If celebrities are treated like that you can very well guess what will happen to us commoners, with no strong sources, if we dare to speak our minds anytime!!!)

Sometimes I feel looking at all these incidents that as if we common people don't live nor own this country.......we make a Nation.....but we can't speak no evil against the political parties!Political parties through out the world look down upon "Talibanism".......but this attitude here, is nothing less than that!!!!!This is the same as Fascism,Talibanism,where people lose their rights!!!!!


I'm no learned on all these topics, but yes all these make me feel troubled!As a young voter of the Nation it makes me wonder about the real state of our nation.I mean we are the future of the Nation ...if we don't pay any heed to all these things happening throughout the country, if we don't try to rectify all these by the power of our voting rights ( which unfortunately are not exercised by some because of political pressure and others because they were supposedly too busy to vote that day or are too apolitical to even vote!)  ........then its better we stop calling ourselves an Indian.



With the hopes of seeing our Nation as the"Sare Jahan se accha"......................................................

Crushes and Crashes!!! Part I

Definition of crush:

i)To break, pound, or grind (stone or ore, for example) into small fragments or powder  or,

ii)A person you like or love, that that person does not know about

No, no this is no scientific research on the definition of Crush...I just want to direct the attention of my dear readers to the above definition....look at the definition and then you will see how the word Crush is somehow integrally related to a Crash!! Ok, so why am I  hell-bound on proving this relationship......well..errrr......my crushes have usually met with thuds in the end...some loud and some not...but the end result have always been the same!!!! So you can say this is a confession of sorts...of my series of crushes and crashes....

My first crush was unofficially Rishi Kapoor,when I was 5/6 years old...I still don't know whether to call it a crush or not...I just thought he's so cool and handsome when I first watched him dancing to the tune of "Om Shanti Om...."...I don't think I wanted to marry him or something like that, but surely I'd always remain glued to TV screen,whenever he was shown...and dance along with him whenever he would dance.

But my first official crush was Leonardo Di Caprio...actually to be honest 'Jack Dawson' from Titanic. I was in class VII, when Titanic was released and like thousand other girls I officially gave away my heart to the "so cute!' Leo!!!! I bought pictures and posters of Titanic and of Di Caprio wherever I would get them......along with my friends used to act scenes from Titanic and thought that kissing one's hand is so romantic!!! And 'Every night in my dreams', I would "see" and "feel" Leo...and actually believed wholeheartedly that he is going to come to Kolkata and like Jack Dawson would sweep me away from my feet!!!! But alas!! I continued waiting..but he did not come and meanwhile my studies were hampered...I failed in two subjects in my Half yearly exam....and my Mum was furious to the power of infinity....Lets not talk about the scoldings and beatings that I got in front of my friends...but the worst of them all was that she tore away all Leo's posters and pictures which I had being hiding so successfully in my school bag till that day. Nothing made me feel so miserable than this 'cruel' act!!I took solace in the bathroom for 1 hour...cried my heart out....thought that like Rose too, my Jack has been cruelly taken away from me by the 'Zaalim Duniya'!!! That night, when everyone was sleeping, I slowly crept out from my room, took out the torn posters and pictures from the dustbin and the next day when I got some time I glued all the pictures one by one and again hid them in another torn bag. I did not talk to my mother for the next 2 weeks (since I was sent to my Granny's home as a punishment for my horrible exam), and along with my physics teacher in the school, I identified my mum as the biggest villain in my love story.

Later on when other Di Caprio movies were released like 'The Beach' and 'Man in the iron mask', I tried desperately to watch those movies, but somehow I could not manage to watch them (though  I thought he did not look that 'Cute' in the later movies)....also I got to know that he was rather busy dating some Brazilian model or whatever and it broke my 'heart' completely. Slowly with the tide of time I forgot about the torn bag where I had hidden the mended pictures of Leo and oneday I found out Mum had thrown it away coz she found it creepy!!! Somehow I did not feel the same pain that I had felt earlier, somehow I found that  I had grown out of that indomitable 'crush'... ...  Such was my love story....my Crush and the Crash along with it!!!!!

Movies, reviews and I

Movies are my business......no, no...I don't mean I act in movies...nor my Dad is a movie producer..I actually love movies.....my parents tell me that I'm an addict precisely....Yes, I do get involved while watching certain movies....n I do cry at movie theatres shamelessly while watching emotional scenes...but, Naye...I vehemently deny the above allegation...so I'm not guilty, till proved.

If you watch a movie with me at theatre or at home...n sit beside me, my friends (actually my Dad too) would tell you to sit beside me at your own risk...Naye...I definitely don't bite...all I do is (innocently!) pass comments and well...eh....head butt (not like Zidane) n....err.....constantly tug one's arm, or slap one's arm when I get excited (mind you only when I get excited). So watching movies with me is a constant active phase.....if it's a good movie..i.e, I like it...I will head butt, tug /slap your arms more..i.e, all these head butts, tugging and slapping are directly proportional to the quality of the movie!

Another thing that I'm good at (or that's what i guess) related to movies, is reviewing or better criticizing them.....This trait of mine started first with the movie "Yaadein' - starring Hrithik Roshan and Kareena Kapoor. I still remember that day ...it was in the Santoshpur Minibus. Three of us - Sami, Bubu (or was it Moni?) and I...we publicly dissected the movie like how you would dissect a frog in the biology lab!! From how absurd it was to show Hrithik swimming in the ocean with a boat tied on to his back to how could he ride a bicycle hands- free, when the doctor told Kareena that he was in a critical state just moments before that...... we sort of criticized each and every scene of the movie!!! And man! we were actually shouting so loudly in the bus, as if we were discussing a silly thing in our drawing room!!!Believe me.....I daresay, none of the bus passengers who were riding with us in the same bus, watched that movie in their entire life after listening to our review of the Film ;P....So now you know why the movie did such a miserable business!!!!!

Well this is just one instance of my (actually our) movie review sessions..there were and still are quite a few......but I don't want to reveal them all....I don't want the producers of those movies to sue me or slay me ;)....So for the rest...you need to accompany me in one of those sessions...and believe me....you would truly get entertained...till then adios :)

Emosanal Attyachar!

I have become Dev D. Naye , there is no problem like Gender Identity Disorder....but truly I have become Dev D! N my Paro in this case is the huge Part II syllabus which doesn't seem to end!I've tried and I'm still trying , somehow like the other Paros, this Paro also seem to be eluding me big time!

Ok lets start from the beginning......I've my exams starting from this 17th April and I've 5 papers from which the 3 theory papers are going to be held this month...the next 2 on May. Now the problem lies with the theory papers.....I'm still clueless about them the way our Intelligence Department was clueless about the Mumbai attack!Ok now you can ask why am I not studying.Well to be honest I'm trying to study ( which I started from the end week of March), but my mind has got rusted because of the lack of any concrete academic activity...now nothing seems to enter my mind that easily......my condition is more like the bengali saying "Moron kale Harinaam!"

And to add that I'm a mistress of Distraction...not that I distract people very much (except when I'm head-butting someone, while laughing loudly).......I get distracted very easily!My concentration level is totally impaired and any sound Clinical Examiner would have vowed for that (not that my Mum doesn't).......Also when I'm complaining of getting Insomniac....somehow .......anyhow all these symptoms of insomnia vanishes whenever I start studying! I feel like another Rip Van Winkle......n that I can sleep for hours. If Mr. Sigmund Freud would have listened to this, he 'd have said that I'm getting "regressed" or using "escapism" as a defense mechanism.According to my good friend Richa ...these are nothing but symptoms of Exam Phobia...commonly seen in students like me.

Let me tell you another instance.....this Monday I suddenly got late night texts from my friends that our H.O.D has announced that our admit cards would be available from the next day , i.e, Tuesday...so we should collect it immediately. Now usually in University exam, you collect the admit card on the exam date itself.....so this came as a surprise.So we all decided that fine..chalo lets collect the admit cards next day itself. In due time I got ready went to catch the train. I was in the train (after waiting for another 20 mins) when I got this call from my friend Nabu that guess what.........we are not getting our admit cards...we'd get on the 17th itself!!! So you can imagine how pissed I'd have got ......after all making a journey to our Uni...which is quite distant from our home...n that too for not being fruitful...coz of what.......coz of the stupid whims of our old HOD!!!I felt like killing her then....after all if I did not have to make this journey, I'd have easily studied in home.......So I got down at the next station and again returned home. Mine was still all right......but there were several others who had already reached Uni earlier only to return home(of course me being the habitual late comer got little compensation). After I returned home, my dad gave me a good lecture that only an unplanned person like me can do this stupidity! So it pissed me off more! So when my dad left for C.A.B, I turned on the computer and starting listening to the Dev D songs, specially both the versions of 'Emosanal Attyachar' in full volume..........n when my Mum returned home she gave me a good thrashing due to it. I know I deserved it...only mum could not realize that this whimsical act of mine was driven by sheer frustration ....of not being able to concentrate while there was a huge syllabus left to be finished on one hand ....n added to it was the stupidity by our HOD on another hand ( by the way we've diagnosed that she suffers from Dissociative Disorder). I was indeed then feeling like another Dev D....frustrated, heartbroken, hopeless........

So this is my story of Emosonal Attyachar....n the following verses are dedicated both to upcoming exam+huge syllabus and to our HOD........

Tauba tera jalwa, tauba tera pyaar
Tera Emosanal Attyachar!!!!

Me n my insomnia.........

Before anyone gets a wrong idea..I'd like to clarify that no I don't actually suffer from Insomnia....actually I suffer from Hypersomnia (excessive sleep)...n I absolutely love sleeping...n I can actually go to sleep anywhere, anytime.So whats with this Insomnia case?? Ok so this is the latest disorder that I've diagnosed in me(actually it was 1st diagnosed by my mom).......apart from Bipolar Disorder n Somatization of stress......

The problem started with my anxiety regarding submitting my Dissertation conjoined with the fact that my exam starts from April and I've not started studying at all.....for the first time in the dept of Applied Psychology someone will pass in the practical papers and will fail in all the theory papers......so you can well say I'm on the verge of a new record.....and those who know me...they know it very well that I'm very lazy...my condition can be clinically termed as "Attention raised but not sustained"......I'm totally a wacky person who only realizes the seriousness of any problem, when she's neck deep down in it.....ok I know I know I should improve ....but what can I do...I try ...seriously I do...somehow..I guess it's not in me...I can never be hard-working ...even if I try!!!

One thing that is prominently in me is that I get into a nervy situation whenever it's a crunch situation...for me it must be something related to academics.......n exam phobia is a common problem suffered by many...and I'm one of them.

So, on 30th March we were supposed to submit our Dissertation...n from 17th April our final year exam starts...so either you can concentrate on your theory , or you can concentrate on the Dissertation.
N the lazy me ...as usually left most of the work undone...as if somebody else would do the work for me!!!So when the time came I actually needed a miracle......n google became the miracle for me...All I'd do is to search on google on my topic and download stuffs.In the meanwhile, to add the spices, I'd also fight with my sis about 'Who's gonna use the P.C'......usually after 12 am I feel so drowsy that I'd have to rush to bed(except when I'm reading a story book ..it doesn't matter how much late am I getting)....but all these days...even when I felt sleepy ...n went to bed, n shut my eyes, all the things related to my dissertation would dance before me!!!i'd think about what mistakes I might possibly made in my methodology...how to write the last chapter....even what to write in the acknowledgment......Believe me...even when I tried I could not stop the flow of thoughts...n there I would lie awake ...staring at the ceiling......You know what..I even tried Relaxation techniques on me, specially those which are tried on Insomniac patients...but I could not sleep...the 'psychologist' could not even try therapy on herself!!!!And even when I'd finally fall asleep...I'd even dream about my studies and dissertation work.....yes I was completely turning into a wacko!!!

But don't worry...I've finally submitted my dissertation...it means that now I've to only lose sleep about my studies.....so I'm relieved in a way.......But lets see how far this insomnia goes....if I don't get sleep these days...you never know, I might continue writing stupid notes like this!!!Till then................

Beaches and Friendship

A few days back I watched this movie called 'Beaches' starring Bette Midler &Barbara Hershey.It's a very old film (1988).........a tale about the friendship between two women (No Dostana story like John & Abhishek) ........ofcourse it had its share of romantic angles but primarily it was a tale of friendship.To be precise it was the story starts with the odd friendship between a New York child performer CC Bloom and San Fransisco rich kid Hillary who meet in a holiday resort in Atlantic City, & it marks the start of a lifetime friendship between them.While CC becomes a successful stage performer,Hillary becomes a successful lawyer.They face different trials and tribulations in their lives...even breaks up as friends at one point of the time....but as it happens in true friendship they make up.....n try to follow their respective careers with zeal.Finally when Hillary dies because of viral cardio myopathy and CC takes her child Victoria under her care & the movie ends with CC narrating Victoria about the story of how she & Hillary met as children.

The movie apparently is a simple story about friendship,but somehow it had touched me a lot!It reminded me of some of my old friends,with many of whom, I've either lost touch or have fallen out.Somehow, I had forgotten the good memories I've shared with them.....somehow I had forgotten the fun,the tears,the dreams we shared together.....it was almost as if I had repressed them down to my Unconscious or had put them inside a box and cast them away in the Sea!And I feel glad and sad at the same time........Glad of the fact that we have had such great time together and Sad of the fact that somehow most of them did not work out as it seemed it would. So through this, I want to thank all of them with whom I have had the opportunity to share a friendship, be it the old friends or the new ones or altogether the existing ones.Individually, to each one of them I am indebted in some way or the other.And to each I want to say sorry if I've had hurt them in any ways. I'm finishing this post with this beautiful song "Wind beneath my wings" from the movie Beaches sang by Bette Midler.......This is to friendship and each of my Friends.

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

Me and my misadventures!!!

Well whenever it comes to me, somehow all adventures turn into misadventures......so whenever I use the term adventure for me.....be assured that it would be some kind of misadventure! Anyways, so let's come to the story.

The story goes back to this year's 'Navami', Durga Puja. Me along with my friends Pilu & Momo decided that we'd go out together for pandal-hopping like last year. So we had planned everything...like we 'd visit Badamtala Sangha,66 Palli n other pandals near Rashbehari and then after having lunch at Bachchan's Dhaba,we'd visit the other pandals near Behala and the rest. As planned,we had decided about meeting at Rashbehari crossing at 11 am and as usually we reached late (and mind you, I was first one to reach!). Then as planned we proceeded towards Badamtala. Just when we were going for our Lunch, suddenly I heard, naye actually felt something bubbling inside my stomach!.......Those who know me very well, they know I might be termed as female version of "Pelaram", a "Petroga" to the core! I usually survive on 'Imodium' - a medicine on these pathetic days.

Anyways, at that juncture I could very well understand what I needed at that moment,of course not any lunch.........but something else!I seriously did not know what to do...and I was feeling very embarrassed to express my real 'need' to my friends. So I thought that for a while I'd suppress my 'need'.....but aye! I couldn't suppress it for long. And finally I turned towards my friend Pilu and told her that I was feeling very sick and I needed to go to her home desperately(by the way she lives in Chetla). Obviously,they could not make out the seriousness of the situation, as they were desperately hungry. But amongst the murmured protest, I finally told them about the seriousness of the situation...that if I don't go to her home....well I didn't want to recreate any of infancy moments at that situation..........So,my friends yielded....but Aye!did you think that everything was okey-dokey after that? Naye! in that emergency situation, there was a big....n I mean a BIG traffic jam on the Chetla bridge. All the vehicles weren't moving an inch.....though we had boarded a bus, but that 'rest in motion' condition was affecting me like hell! I was feeling that very soon I was going to burst out...and my stupid friends kept on teasing me in that emergency condition! What they were saying I can't tell you, ........What can I say...they didn't even understand what I was going through...I daresay if they fall into this condition in their lifetime...they'd understand what I was going through then!!!!!!

So, finally after a 30 minutes wait (it seemed like a lifetime to me), we reached Pilu's home and I rushed to her home and obviously I was the first one to ring the bell, and without even saying 'Hi' n the other formalities to Kakima, I rushed to the ultimate place of 'Solace' and of course did not return before 10 minutes!!!!!!And my friends...I can say you 1 thing surely from experience that nothing gives you more heavenly and relieving feeling than this!!!......LOL!!!!!

Friendship as defined by Khalil Gibran

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."

Your friend is your needs answered.

He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.

For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."

And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Chanakya Sloka

Chanakya was one of the most celebrated ,shrewd n able statesman in India,during the time of King Chandragupta Maurya. This great statesman and philosopher has been often compared to Machiavelli, Aristotle and Plato, exemplifying his potentiality and influential status. I'd like to write down down some of the famous quotes by Chanakya here.If you go through them you will realise how this wise man's words holds true even in this era.

• Test a servant while in the discharge of his duty, a relative in difficulty, a friend in adversity, and a wife in misfortune.

• He is a true friend who does not forsake us in time of need, misfortune, famine, or war, in a king's court, or at the crematorium (smasana).

• Avoid him who talks sweetly before you but tries to ruin you behind your back, for he is like a pitcher of poison with milk on top.

• Do not put your trust in a bad companion nor even trust an ordinary friend, for if he should get angry with you, he may bring all your secrets to light.

• Do not reveal what you have thought upon doing, but by wise counsel keep it secret, being determined to carry it into execution.

• Rain which falls upon the sea is useless; so is food for one who is satiated; in vain is a gift for one who is wealthy; and a burning lamp during the daytime is useless.

• There is no water like rainwater; no strength like one's own; no light like that of the eyes; and no wealth more dear than food grain.

Krazzy 4

No......No this is no review of the film...neither the song Krazzy 4...its actually a name or term we use to describe 4 of us ...in the Uni.actually to be very precise..I mean me n 3 of my friends in the Uni.....Pilu,Momo,Nabu....apart from me n Pilu ,nabu n Momo r both from different colleges...but somehow we all 4 gelled from the 1st week of our 1st year classes...n now 'touchwood' we r still going strong.

The reason why we call us 'krazzy 4' is that we r really crazy to the power of insanity....or how else will you explain the uncontrollable laughter we give whenever there is any serious class going on!........the Mithunda ishtyle dance we do in the lift......the drama classes we give ourselves absolutely free (can't explain the content...sorry)......or the best mimicries we do, which would put the stand up comedians even into shame!

The real prob now is that our specializations are different now....me n nabu r in clinical while Pilu n Momo r in HR...but naye!...we still try to find out time for eachother whenever we get time....go to an empty classroom...close the door...put on the music....n dANce...n dance like hell....no it's no salsa or bollywoody thumke...these are what we call the "Keora Dance"...or the "Bisorjoner dance"....n we dance without no inhibitions.....

you know what thats the best part of our friendship...we behave with eachother without any pretence...totally comfortable....uninhibited......thats why other look at us with a different point of view...as if we have been released from the assylum....we r totally insane....but we dont really care about what they think of us...because in the end we are happy....we are having fan...we r enjoying our life...I think this is what it matters....ultimately you must be really happy...but not at the cost of anyone!!So long you are happy...it doesn't matter if people call us 'krazzy'...coz it's better to be 'krazzy' n be happy rather than be'normal' n be glum.....

My first Case

Ok I am no detective like Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes....so don't get distracted by the title....I am just a buding Clinical Psychologist....still doing my Masters........this is our Specialization year...i.e, we choose different paths for us.....HR, Industrial, Community or Clinical psychology........as for me I chose Clinical (those who know me intimately...they know how desperate how i was to be in clinical from my very childhood).Here after a while you get to see patients....Naye....Clients( I'm a Rogerian...so can't use the word 'Patient')....not that you have to do the therapy part....since we are still amateurs....we are supposed to do the diagnosis part.At first you are supposed to see clients along with your partner (not Life partner!)...and then after a while when you gain enough experience...you get to see them alone.Ok so its over with introduction part...lets come to the real story!

Me and Ruhi are partner here....Ruhi is basically from D.U.........and she still hasn't mastered bengali......it's kinda fun talking with her.....we often utter 'Sudhya' bengali...leaving Ruhi totally helpless .....her only reaction would be "Accha Accha .....Thik acche!".......though she can understand little bit of bengali....but still most of the things are "lost in translation'....so,I kinda play the role of the translator in most cases!From the very beginning Ruhi had insisted on getting some Hindi-speaking clients too(it's very necessary as a psychologist to do effective communication)...so finally it seemed God has listened to her...and we both got a hindi-speaking client party as our first case.

Can't describe the case...it's against our ethics....but I think more than the Client party...we both were scared and apprehensive......at first it seemed to me that everything is surreal......couldn't even concentrate in the first few mins...as I could hear my heart beating loud......didn't even start with the proper introduction that we had planned (we didn't even tell our names....until later on the Client party asked us!)......actually felt like a fish out of water....theoretically everything seems easy...practically facing clients wasn't that easy...........but I think what touched us most...was the eagerness,the pain,the need for empathy shown by the Client party.........somewhere down the line I felt...everybody is looking for that empathetic person who'll tell them,when everything is not going great......don't worry I'm with you...everything will be fine.....and I felt so helpless....I felt like saying , "God!give me the strength to help others"...I felt so incapable.....

It's kinda of strange.....each one of us are facing some kind of problem at a time...feeling helpless...looking for that unconditional support and love.....and search goes on......
Just think if each one of us can stretch our hands in support to others......not only them...but also we too will be helped....by holding eachothers' hand we would form a human bond.....of love.......then we won't even need any psychologists in the world!

Durga Puja

All about nothing!

Thus I'm stranded again in the middle of nowhere.The pathway has ceased to exist...it's no longer there..it has become one with stone,gravel and dust.Now I've to decide myself which path to follow....it's totally my choice now...the choice I'd make, would direct my journey now onwards.

It's so tiring to wait and watch like this;patience has its own virtues...but for an impatient person ,it's always the contrary.

It's a curse to know things sometimes..so it seems as if it's better to be naive....but after facing life from its close quarters,it's not possible to keep intact one's naivity or innocence.

It's a vain effort to write...it's vain effort to try and feel like others...it's a vain effort to make everyone satisfied,including urself!...It's a vain effort in trying to create something that will burst into the Arena like a victor and create Magic!

The Changing face of Indian Family

The Great Indian Family saga is a well coined terminology - celebrated in varieties of magazines,newspaper ,internet...even in K serials and sweared by a certain Mr.Johar or a Mr.Barjatiya.As it is often shown in the serials,the men in the family usually go to their offices in suits ,while the women manage the kitchen and their kids wearing kanjivarams and heavy makeup.But Indian Family is not so simple or cliched as that .......it is a complex,customized..often liberal......in a whole an interesting social institution.

If we can trace the earlier days of Indian Familyhood,we would find that Family came into existence with the institution of Marriage.As people got married and gave birth to children,they thought of strengthening the bond by staying together as a unit and by this idea the concept of family came into being.Previously the main system in the family was that of joint family system.People who shared the same blood came together and formed a family.But not only that,even the neighbours and the domestic helps even were considered a part of that BIG Family.All these helped the family members to share a feeling of togetherness,belongingness and even in forming a separate identity as a whole.

If the question arises that whether the family system was that of Patriarchal or Matriarchal in essence,I would rather opine that it was Both.The men being the main earning member of the family used to take part in most of the decision making,but it was the women who used to run the show inside the family.Be it being the treasurer(it's an open secret that the men either give their earnings to their mother or their spouse) or the being main spearhead in the household activities,women used to play crucial roles.So usuallly the seniormost man in the family would be regarded as the Head of the family ,while his spouse would also share the mantle in matters of household activities.

As it happens all the time,there was no dearth in quarrels or arguments within the family,whatever might be the reason......be it for power,or recognition or money , or even love.In the yester years ,the custom of a man having many wives was quite prevalent.So there were enough reasons for the women to fight amongst themselves.But all these fights were not only limited within the female section,the male section also used to take part in it equally.And their reasons also varied among power,properties or money

But inspite of all these human shortsomings,the joint family system survived for a long time,becuase where there was fighting ,there was love too;where there was lust for power ,there was the essence of sacrifice too.In a way the joint family system was like the Indian 'Khichdi'- mixture of different personalities.

But as modern age ushered in the advent of urbanisation,joint family system slowly began give way to its counterpart nuclear family system.As the male members went in search for better opportunities in the cities and finally settled there,nuclear family came into being.Now the modern family began to consist of the parents and their children.People started living in small apartments - a separate world of their own.The older members of the family mostly are either not given much importance in matters of the family,or else in an extreme way regarded as a burden.The relatives are for the occassional festive times or any kind of ceremony...else for the rest of the year apart from a 'hi hello' relation,not much contact is kept.In this time of multistoreyed bulidings,we often dont know who our neighbours are,while some of the more curious ones are treated with either suspicion or irritation.The parents are mostly busy with their own lives and the children with their studies.Instead of playing with friends on a ground or listening to stories from the Grandmas,the children have either internet or a fancy playstation to accompany them.

Even in the risk of sounding like a boring person,I would like to comment that I don't like this new modern lifestyle.Somehow,I feel suffocated ,as if I am not getting enough sunshine,water or air.This new lifestyle has its merit in many ways,but somewhere life has become very robotic,where in the pursue of material happiness ,people have forgotten one thing - sharing and caring.I am not criticising the nuclear family system here, I am criticising the lifestyle.After all we may be paupers or fools in real life,but its your family which will still treat you as the "Best".

Maybe we still yearn for this old charming essence of familylife or what else would explain the popularity of the family soaps or movies today.Maybe looking at the families shown in the soaps we fantasise for a family life like that.So long live the K serials ,long live the Johars and the Barjatiyas- as long as we crave for our families ,they will be no less popular.

Demons in the Desert

Once upon a time there were two merchants, who were friends. Both of them were getting ready for business trips to sell their merchandise, so they had to decide whether to travel together. They agreed that, since each had about 500 carts, and they were going to the same place along the same road, it would be too crowded to go at the same time.

One decided that it would be much better to go first. He thought, "The road will not be rutted by the carts, the bullocks will be able to choose the best of all the grass, we will find the best fruits and vegetables to eat, my people will appreciate my leadership and, in the end, I will be able to bargain for the best prices."

The other merchant considered carefully and realized there were advantages to going second. He thought, "My friend's carts will level the ground so we won't have to do any road work, his bullocks will eat the old rough grass and new tender shoots will spring up for mine to eat. In the same way, they will pick the old fruits and vegetables and fresh ones will grow for us to enjoy. I won't have to waste my time bargaining when I can take the price already set and make my profit." So he agreed to let his friend go first. This friend was sure he'd fooled him and gotten the best of him - so he set out first on the journey.

The merchant who went first had a troublesome time of it. They came to a wilderness called the 'Waterless Desert', which the local people said was haunted by demons. When the caravan reached the middle of it, they met a large group coming from the opposite direction. They had carts that were mud smeared and dripping with water. They had lotuses and water lilies in their hands and in the carts. The head man, who had a know-it-all attitude, said to the merchant, "Why are you carrying these heavy loads of water? In a short time you will reach that oasis on the horizon with plenty of water to drink and dates to eat. Your bullocks are tired from pulling those heavy carts filled with extra water - so throw away the water and be kind to your overworked animals!"

Even though the local people had warned them, the merchant did not realize that these were not real people, but demons in disguise. They were even in danger of being eaten by them. Being confident that they were helpful people, he followed their advice and had all his water emptied onto the ground.

As they continued on their way they found no oasis or any water at all. Some realized they'd been fooled by beings that might have been demons, and started to grumble and accuse the merchant. At the end of the day all the people were tired out. The bullocks were too weak from lack of water to pull their heavy carts. All the people and animals lay down in a haphazard manner and fell into a deep sleep. Lo and behold, during the night the demons came in their true frightening forms and gobbled up all the weak defenseless beings. When they were done there were only bones lying scattered around - not one human or animal was left alive.

After several months, the second merchant began his journey along the same way. When he arrived at the wilderness, he assembled all his people and advised them -"This is called the 'Waterless Desert' and I have heard that it is haunted by demons and ghosts. Therefore we should be careful. Since there may be poison plants and foul water, don't drink any local water without asking me." In this way they started into the desert.

After getting about half-way through, in the same way as with the first caravan, they were met by the water-soaked demons in disguise. They told them the oasis was near and they should throw away their water. But the wise merchant saw through them right away. He knew it didn't make sense to have an oasis in a place called 'Waterless Desert'. And besides, these people had bulging red eyes and an aggressive and pushy attitude, so he suspected they might be demons. He told them to leave them alone saying, "We are business men who don't throw away good water before we know where the next is coming from."

Then, seeing that his own people had doubts, the merchant said to them, "Don't believe these people, who may be demons, until we actually find water. The oasis they point to may be just an illusion or a mirage. Have you ever heard of water in this 'Waterless Desert"? Do you feel any rain-wind or see any storm clouds?" They all said, "No" , and he continued, "If we believe these strangers and throw away our water, then later we may not have any to drink or cook with - then we will be weak and thirsty- it would be easy for demons to come and rob us, or even eat us up! Therefore, until we really find water, do not waste even a drop!"

The caravan continued on its way and, that evening, reached the place where the first caravan's people and bullocks had been killed and eaten by the demons. They found the carts and human and animal bones lying all around. They recognized that the fully loaded carts and the scattered bones belonged to the former caravan. The wise merchant told certain people to stand watch around the camp during the night.

The next morning the people ate breakfast, and fed their bullocks well. They added to their goods the most valuable things left from the first caravan. So they finished their journey very successfully, and returned home safely so that they and their families could enjoy their profits.

The moral is: "One must always be wise enough not to be fooled by tricky talk and false appearances ."