Crushes and Crashes!!! Part I

Definition of crush:

i)To break, pound, or grind (stone or ore, for example) into small fragments or powder  or,

ii)A person you like or love, that that person does not know about

No, no this is no scientific research on the definition of Crush...I just want to direct the attention of my dear readers to the above definition....look at the definition and then you will see how the word Crush is somehow integrally related to a Crash!! Ok, so why am I  hell-bound on proving this relationship......well..errrr......my crushes have usually met with thuds in the end...some loud and some not...but the end result have always been the same!!!! So you can say this is a confession of sorts...of my series of crushes and crashes....

My first crush was unofficially Rishi Kapoor,when I was 5/6 years old...I still don't know whether to call it a crush or not...I just thought he's so cool and handsome when I first watched him dancing to the tune of "Om Shanti Om...."...I don't think I wanted to marry him or something like that, but surely I'd always remain glued to TV screen,whenever he was shown...and dance along with him whenever he would dance.

But my first official crush was Leonardo Di Caprio...actually to be honest 'Jack Dawson' from Titanic. I was in class VII, when Titanic was released and like thousand other girls I officially gave away my heart to the "so cute!' Leo!!!! I bought pictures and posters of Titanic and of Di Caprio wherever I would get them......along with my friends used to act scenes from Titanic and thought that kissing one's hand is so romantic!!! And 'Every night in my dreams', I would "see" and "feel" Leo...and actually believed wholeheartedly that he is going to come to Kolkata and like Jack Dawson would sweep me away from my feet!!!! But alas!! I continued waiting..but he did not come and meanwhile my studies were hampered...I failed in two subjects in my Half yearly exam....and my Mum was furious to the power of infinity....Lets not talk about the scoldings and beatings that I got in front of my friends...but the worst of them all was that she tore away all Leo's posters and pictures which I had being hiding so successfully in my school bag till that day. Nothing made me feel so miserable than this 'cruel' act!!I took solace in the bathroom for 1 hour...cried my heart out....thought that like Rose too, my Jack has been cruelly taken away from me by the 'Zaalim Duniya'!!! That night, when everyone was sleeping, I slowly crept out from my room, took out the torn posters and pictures from the dustbin and the next day when I got some time I glued all the pictures one by one and again hid them in another torn bag. I did not talk to my mother for the next 2 weeks (since I was sent to my Granny's home as a punishment for my horrible exam), and along with my physics teacher in the school, I identified my mum as the biggest villain in my love story.

Later on when other Di Caprio movies were released like 'The Beach' and 'Man in the iron mask', I tried desperately to watch those movies, but somehow I could not manage to watch them (though  I thought he did not look that 'Cute' in the later movies)....also I got to know that he was rather busy dating some Brazilian model or whatever and it broke my 'heart' completely. Slowly with the tide of time I forgot about the torn bag where I had hidden the mended pictures of Leo and oneday I found out Mum had thrown it away coz she found it creepy!!! Somehow I did not feel the same pain that I had felt earlier, somehow I found that  I had grown out of that indomitable 'crush'... ...  Such was my love story....my Crush and the Crash along with it!!!!!

Movies, reviews and I

Movies are my business......no, no...I don't mean I act in movies...nor my Dad is a movie producer..I actually love movies.....my parents tell me that I'm an addict precisely....Yes, I do get involved while watching certain movies....n I do cry at movie theatres shamelessly while watching emotional scenes...but, Naye...I vehemently deny the above allegation...so I'm not guilty, till proved.

If you watch a movie with me at theatre or at home...n sit beside me, my friends (actually my Dad too) would tell you to sit beside me at your own risk...Naye...I definitely don't bite...all I do is (innocently!) pass comments and well...eh....head butt (not like Zidane) n....err.....constantly tug one's arm, or slap one's arm when I get excited (mind you only when I get excited). So watching movies with me is a constant active phase.....if it's a good movie..i.e, I like it...I will head butt, tug /slap your arms more..i.e, all these head butts, tugging and slapping are directly proportional to the quality of the movie!

Another thing that I'm good at (or that's what i guess) related to movies, is reviewing or better criticizing them.....This trait of mine started first with the movie "Yaadein' - starring Hrithik Roshan and Kareena Kapoor. I still remember that day ...it was in the Santoshpur Minibus. Three of us - Sami, Bubu (or was it Moni?) and I...we publicly dissected the movie like how you would dissect a frog in the biology lab!! From how absurd it was to show Hrithik swimming in the ocean with a boat tied on to his back to how could he ride a bicycle hands- free, when the doctor told Kareena that he was in a critical state just moments before that...... we sort of criticized each and every scene of the movie!!! And man! we were actually shouting so loudly in the bus, as if we were discussing a silly thing in our drawing room!!!Believe me.....I daresay, none of the bus passengers who were riding with us in the same bus, watched that movie in their entire life after listening to our review of the Film ;P....So now you know why the movie did such a miserable business!!!!!

Well this is just one instance of my (actually our) movie review sessions..there were and still are quite a few......but I don't want to reveal them all....I don't want the producers of those movies to sue me or slay me ;)....So for the rest...you need to accompany me in one of those sessions...and believe me....you would truly get entertained...till then adios :)

Emosanal Attyachar!

I have become Dev D. Naye , there is no problem like Gender Identity Disorder....but truly I have become Dev D! N my Paro in this case is the huge Part II syllabus which doesn't seem to end!I've tried and I'm still trying , somehow like the other Paros, this Paro also seem to be eluding me big time!

Ok lets start from the beginning......I've my exams starting from this 17th April and I've 5 papers from which the 3 theory papers are going to be held this month...the next 2 on May. Now the problem lies with the theory papers.....I'm still clueless about them the way our Intelligence Department was clueless about the Mumbai attack!Ok now you can ask why am I not studying.Well to be honest I'm trying to study ( which I started from the end week of March), but my mind has got rusted because of the lack of any concrete academic activity...now nothing seems to enter my mind that easily......my condition is more like the bengali saying "Moron kale Harinaam!"

And to add that I'm a mistress of Distraction...not that I distract people very much (except when I'm head-butting someone, while laughing loudly).......I get distracted very easily!My concentration level is totally impaired and any sound Clinical Examiner would have vowed for that (not that my Mum doesn't).......Also when I'm complaining of getting Insomniac....somehow .......anyhow all these symptoms of insomnia vanishes whenever I start studying! I feel like another Rip Van Winkle......n that I can sleep for hours. If Mr. Sigmund Freud would have listened to this, he 'd have said that I'm getting "regressed" or using "escapism" as a defense mechanism.According to my good friend Richa ...these are nothing but symptoms of Exam Phobia...commonly seen in students like me.

Let me tell you another instance.....this Monday I suddenly got late night texts from my friends that our H.O.D has announced that our admit cards would be available from the next day , i.e, Tuesday...so we should collect it immediately. Now usually in University exam, you collect the admit card on the exam date itself.....so this came as a surprise.So we all decided that fine..chalo lets collect the admit cards next day itself. In due time I got ready went to catch the train. I was in the train (after waiting for another 20 mins) when I got this call from my friend Nabu that guess what.........we are not getting our admit cards...we'd get on the 17th itself!!! So you can imagine how pissed I'd have got ......after all making a journey to our Uni...which is quite distant from our home...n that too for not being fruitful...coz of what.......coz of the stupid whims of our old HOD!!!I felt like killing her then....after all if I did not have to make this journey, I'd have easily studied in home.......So I got down at the next station and again returned home. Mine was still all right......but there were several others who had already reached Uni earlier only to return home(of course me being the habitual late comer got little compensation). After I returned home, my dad gave me a good lecture that only an unplanned person like me can do this stupidity! So it pissed me off more! So when my dad left for C.A.B, I turned on the computer and starting listening to the Dev D songs, specially both the versions of 'Emosanal Attyachar' in full volume..........n when my Mum returned home she gave me a good thrashing due to it. I know I deserved it...only mum could not realize that this whimsical act of mine was driven by sheer frustration ....of not being able to concentrate while there was a huge syllabus left to be finished on one hand ....n added to it was the stupidity by our HOD on another hand ( by the way we've diagnosed that she suffers from Dissociative Disorder). I was indeed then feeling like another Dev D....frustrated, heartbroken, hopeless........

So this is my story of Emosonal Attyachar....n the following verses are dedicated both to upcoming exam+huge syllabus and to our HOD........

Tauba tera jalwa, tauba tera pyaar
Tera Emosanal Attyachar!!!!

Me n my insomnia.........

Before anyone gets a wrong idea..I'd like to clarify that no I don't actually suffer from Insomnia....actually I suffer from Hypersomnia (excessive sleep)...n I absolutely love sleeping...n I can actually go to sleep anywhere, anytime.So whats with this Insomnia case?? Ok so this is the latest disorder that I've diagnosed in me(actually it was 1st diagnosed by my mom).......apart from Bipolar Disorder n Somatization of stress......

The problem started with my anxiety regarding submitting my Dissertation conjoined with the fact that my exam starts from April and I've not started studying at all.....for the first time in the dept of Applied Psychology someone will pass in the practical papers and will fail in all the theory papers......so you can well say I'm on the verge of a new record.....and those who know me...they know it very well that I'm very lazy...my condition can be clinically termed as "Attention raised but not sustained"......I'm totally a wacky person who only realizes the seriousness of any problem, when she's neck deep down in it.....ok I know I know I should improve ....but what can I do...I try ...seriously I do...somehow..I guess it's not in me...I can never be hard-working ...even if I try!!!

One thing that is prominently in me is that I get into a nervy situation whenever it's a crunch situation...for me it must be something related to academics.......n exam phobia is a common problem suffered by many...and I'm one of them.

So, on 30th March we were supposed to submit our Dissertation...n from 17th April our final year exam starts...so either you can concentrate on your theory , or you can concentrate on the Dissertation.
N the lazy me ...as usually left most of the work undone...as if somebody else would do the work for me!!!So when the time came I actually needed a miracle......n google became the miracle for me...All I'd do is to search on google on my topic and download stuffs.In the meanwhile, to add the spices, I'd also fight with my sis about 'Who's gonna use the P.C'......usually after 12 am I feel so drowsy that I'd have to rush to bed(except when I'm reading a story book ..it doesn't matter how much late am I getting)....but all these days...even when I felt sleepy ...n went to bed, n shut my eyes, all the things related to my dissertation would dance before me!!!i'd think about what mistakes I might possibly made in my methodology...how to write the last chapter....even what to write in the acknowledgment......Believe me...even when I tried I could not stop the flow of thoughts...n there I would lie awake ...staring at the ceiling......You know what..I even tried Relaxation techniques on me, specially those which are tried on Insomniac patients...but I could not sleep...the 'psychologist' could not even try therapy on herself!!!!And even when I'd finally fall asleep...I'd even dream about my studies and dissertation work.....yes I was completely turning into a wacko!!!

But don't worry...I've finally submitted my dissertation...it means that now I've to only lose sleep about my studies.....so I'm relieved in a way.......But lets see how far this insomnia goes....if I don't get sleep these days...you never know, I might continue writing stupid notes like this!!!Till then................

Beaches and Friendship

A few days back I watched this movie called 'Beaches' starring Bette Midler &Barbara Hershey.It's a very old film (1988).........a tale about the friendship between two women (No Dostana story like John & Abhishek) ........ofcourse it had its share of romantic angles but primarily it was a tale of friendship.To be precise it was the story starts with the odd friendship between a New York child performer CC Bloom and San Fransisco rich kid Hillary who meet in a holiday resort in Atlantic City, & it marks the start of a lifetime friendship between them.While CC becomes a successful stage performer,Hillary becomes a successful lawyer.They face different trials and tribulations in their lives...even breaks up as friends at one point of the time....but as it happens in true friendship they make up.....n try to follow their respective careers with zeal.Finally when Hillary dies because of viral cardio myopathy and CC takes her child Victoria under her care & the movie ends with CC narrating Victoria about the story of how she & Hillary met as children.

The movie apparently is a simple story about friendship,but somehow it had touched me a lot!It reminded me of some of my old friends,with many of whom, I've either lost touch or have fallen out.Somehow, I had forgotten the good memories I've shared with them.....somehow I had forgotten the fun,the tears,the dreams we shared together.....it was almost as if I had repressed them down to my Unconscious or had put them inside a box and cast them away in the Sea!And I feel glad and sad at the same time........Glad of the fact that we have had such great time together and Sad of the fact that somehow most of them did not work out as it seemed it would. So through this, I want to thank all of them with whom I have had the opportunity to share a friendship, be it the old friends or the new ones or altogether the existing ones.Individually, to each one of them I am indebted in some way or the other.And to each I want to say sorry if I've had hurt them in any ways. I'm finishing this post with this beautiful song "Wind beneath my wings" from the movie Beaches sang by Bette Midler.......This is to friendship and each of my Friends.

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.